All by myself, mexican style

Sing it Celine Dion style!

All by myseeeellffff...don't wanna beee...all by myyyself...anymooooorrre!!

I've always been comfortable going out alone. I've been to the movies alone, the pool alone, to the mall alone, to a museum alone. I am not one of those girls who would just die if no one's there to go to the powder room with them. I can survive by myself. Sure it's lonely, but just because no one's available to go with you does not mean that you have to waste that perfectly beautiful day to do whatever, right?

So for lunch (I'd say this is pretty much my time zone)/dinner (for those of you who's in regular Pinas time) today I had to eat (sing it!) all by myself.

My regular dinner buddies had dates and no one in the team was hungry yet. I was the only one who was hungry at 7 pm when they usually eat at around 9.

So there I was, my poor self, buying dinner alone, eating dinner alone. But it wasn't that bad. The not so good part was the fact that I had the smarts to get burritos and tacos for dinner when earlier today I had a not so good stomach situation.

Plus, the meal had a side order of beans.
*Red alert* Not good.

Now's the time I'm thankful I was all by myself.

NO! I did not do anything nasty!! (sounds defensive but it's true)
I was just a nice feeling to know that if in case something might suddenly come up, I don't have to excuse myself from anyone.
Eeeewwww...

Now I'll really be all by myself once everyone gets to read this post.
It was good burrito though. Well worth it. I'd say I'd get one again as soon as my stomach settles.

Confessions of a (semi-former) CNN Junkie

Aside from the Cartoon Network, there were only 2 other english tv channels available in France. Well, for our cable subscription at least (this is right after our illegal cable card which unblocks all stations was blocked).

The choice was easy: BBC was boring and lifeless and CNN had cute journalists. Guess which station I watched the most.

Back then, ask me who anchors which show, what time this show airs, and what color tie Richard Quest was wearing that day and I could answer it in a second. I recorded Business Traveller, asked Terry to send me a copy of her Vinci DVD mix *wave*, and even stalked or at least tried to (we ended up having a 2 hour coffee break just outside their office building) the guy in Rome.

But when I came back to Manila, I didn't have time to watch CNN anymore. Plus the fact that the cable shows/channels here are waaaayyyy better didn't help either. I don't even know who anchors CNN Today anymore nor if Quest even still anchors BI.

Until I saw Vinci's winter olympics report!!
Now I remember why I stalked the guy.



*Photos from Terry

Swoon!

So maybe I'm not a CNN junkie anymore but I can still take a peek at it once in a while if I know hotness like this would likely to come up every now and then.

Blue's clue.

Guess what the color of the day is:

Server down.

UGH! It's the down after that natural high.

Work is the last thing on my mind right now. And to think the day's only have done. I still have 5 hours and approximately 16 TPs to contact. Good luck. Maybe I'll try to call 5 TPs per hour, that'll do it. Maybe. If I can muster up the strength that is. And unless my project manager tells me to do it of course.

I've been contacting hundreds (yes, hundreds) of TPs the past few weeks and all that's left for me now are the non-priority ones (read: unimportant). And since the deadline has been long gone, I am not really in the mood to chase people anymore.

So for now, I'll just wallow in my music, pretend to work and try to sleep with my eyes open.

(Now that's one skill that will come in handy in the future).

Pretty boy.

I've known this for quite some time now. I go for the bad guys. The evil ones who insert a curse in almost every sentence, the ones who are so hard to get along with, the ones who have dark mysterious pasts, in other words, I go for the guys you wouldn't want to introduce to your mother. I don't know why...maybe I like the edge that they have. It's a compliment to my bland personality I guess.

The noble, honest, good to the bone man's charm is wasted on me. I don't like a puny girly man just smiling beside me nodding at everything I say.

I want a man who would force me to do things...the right things at least and give my life, or what's left of it, a direction. Someone who would contradict me in something I'd say so we can have a heated argument and would end up having make-up activites.

I don't want a Jack Shephard (he's damn boring and a know it all), I want a Sawyer.
For the non-Lost fans, it's basically the good doctor vs. the murderer/con man.

In short, I crave for the drama and the conflict.

However I do not know if I can handle it in real life as well as I have had in my dreams.

Saying for the day:

It's not that the glass is half empty or half full. Instead, the question is why isn't the glass the right size to hold the amount of water it's got?

New discovery.

While sitting in my station waiting for the clock's short hand reach that big black magical 2, I decided to go over my french music collection. Actually, it's not entirely french, but it did come from a french guy (*wave*) . Understandably I haven't listened to each and every track from this 4GB collection. But in sheer boredom I listened a bit to each track: from Arno to Ernest Rangling.

That's right, I only got to 'til the E part when I discovered Ernest Ranglin and his Below the Bassline album.

Can I just say that I love this guy's music!!!

It's really good music to smoke weed in and then make love to. I'm saying this theoretically, not that I've done this kind of thing to know what music it would be good to go with. *smirk*

I'm not good with words so I'm not gonna ruin this moment with more nonsense.

I *heart* this!

Now all I need is a cuppa java, a joint and a ....

Holy hearts day, Batman!

So it's Valentine's Day, another "holiday" invented by greeting card companies. It's hard to miss since there have been red crepe/cardboard hearts hanging all over the office's ceiling since the beginning of February. Flowers are sold everywhere, and I mean literally everywhere. Offers for couples here and there (buy 1 palm pilot get the second one for your loved one at half the price, free 2 hours at your favorite motel, get a free blow for every prostitute bought, etc.). Chocolates and balloons at every store's window.

To tell you the truth, I have never had a proper Valentine. And when I say proper, I mean a real Valentine date on the day of hearts. And no, I am not bitter because of that. The most fun "date" I've had was when me and a couple of dateless highschool friends when out for dinner and drinks and walked along Manila bay while holding hands because one of us might get "pimped". We ended up scaring each other on the steps of the Manila cultural center and giving our doggie bags to street kids who said a few not so nice things since they were expecting money.

Then it wasn't Valentine's day anymore and the single people were special again.

I actually think it's quite sad that some couples make such a big deal out of this day and make such an effort to make their partner feel special. Wake up and smell the dozen red roses you guys!!!! Everyday should be Valentine's day. You don't need a day that only comes once a year to make her feel special. Everyday should be a special day. Imagine if she'd only agree to having sex with you for one special day. I know that would be a disaster.

In conclusion, f*ck Valentine's day...but not only during Valentine's day.
*if you know what I mean*

Now it's time for me to avail of that free massage they're offering on the 36th floor: the only real good thing about the day of hearts.

Monday blues

Given that I slept at 6 am this morning, my waking up at 3 pm should be well excused. For the first time in days, the good people at home did not wake me up to eat lunch. Thank you!

9 hours of sleep helps a lot. It would have helped better if I had a proper bed to sleep in (currently, I am sleeping on a very thin mattress 2 inches off the floor, but that's another story). Anyway, I woke up bright and sunny to face the coming work night. I'd need all my energy to be able to keep the headset glued to my head and urge the temptation to take it off and while away the time by surfing, chatting, and chikahan sessions.

But apparently it does not happen that way. I am still waayyy behind schedule (okay, so it's just one day behind...but still!) and all I want to do now is sleep. Ack. Disaster. Not to mention muse nominations for the sportsfest. Double ack! Double disaster! Luckily the only other girl in our team is super pretty and there's a 99% chance that she'll be the one nominated. *whew*

Now I have to go back to work and wish this day was already over.

I hate mondays....

It has been a sober weekend for me this time around.

A grand aunt passed away and we had to go to the province for the wake, had a creepy german guy ogle me while I was eating my flan, a stupid car accident and now a bad stomach.

Happy weekend to you too.

But then again someone sends you 5 second videos reminding you how special you are. You just can't help but smile...and cry a bit, while laughing at yourself for crying. And it makes your entire day better (except for the fact that you now miss him more than ever) and you forget about the dead, the accident and the stomach and all you remember is that crazy smile.

Whoever said it's only the big things that matter must have had a pretty miserable life.


*ugh! I hate my mushy self!*

It's such a cryin' shame.

Nakakainis. Nakakaaliw.
Nakakainis na nakakaaliw.

Tumatawa. Umiiyak.
Tumatawa habang umiiyak.

Malayo. Malapit.
Kahit na malayo, parang malapit.

Masaya ang buhay.

****************************

Syempre hindi ko na masabi lahat ng gusto ko sabihin dito sa ingles. Pero dahil ito lang ang outlet ko para sa mga naiisip at nararamdaman, isusulat ko nalang siya sa tagalog. Malamang itatanong din naman sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng mga sinulat ko bukas. At mejo nahihirapan din ako magsulat na tagalog lang lahat. Magaling.

Say that again?

you know what's stopping me?
i'm scared.
i'm mush.
i'm a coward.

you know why I'm not gonna let that stop me?
You.

Astrology schmology.

So I admit it, I subscribe to daily horoscopes. But let me make it clear that I'm not an astrology buff. I'm not one of those people who'd know what star sign you are just by being with you for 10 minutes then ask..."Let me guess, you're a *insert sign desired here*, right?" Heck, the only sign I know is mine!

Although I have to admit, what I read about my own sign can be surprisingly true, right to the spot, bulls-eye. However, for the daily horoscope forecasts/things whatever you call them, sometimes I just find it funny.

Here's today's horoscope:

Learn how to be more sensitive, and your life will improve.

Wouldn't life be better for everyone if all of us are sensitive to other people?
Wait, don't answer that. 'Coz I myself think otherwise. We can't be sensitive to other people ALL the time!
There are times when we have to fight for what is right regardless of whose feelings we "run over" so to speak. If we think about everyone all the time, we will never get anywhere. We can't please everyone.

Someone once told me (fine, a "fortune teller") that I have a heart made of rock. She's actually 85% right. I am not the most sensitive person in the world and it's true that I might need to be more sensitive from time to time.

She also said that because of this trait I'd become rich and own a nice car.

But then again, according to the stars, my life will also improve if I become more sensitive.

What to do? What to do?

This is why you're not supposed to believe this kind of crap!
(There goes the sensitive me now...)

Hell week.

Remember when you had philo orals, theo orals, accounting finals and that big project all due within the week?

That's what I'm talking about: Hell week.

Who says hell week only happens in school?

This week is the office version of hell week. Mine.

Deadlines here and there, people to contact, bosses to calm down.

I can already see my stress level shooting up by mid-week.

Don't you just love hell week?

I might just go through my stock of stress-tabs this time around.

More paranoidal thoughts on a saturday morning.

You know how it's funny you never talk about an issue to the person directly concerning it?
We usually prefer to talk to someone else, everyone else, about it except the person you really should be talking about it to?
Maybe because you think they'd get hurt, maybe because you think YOU would get hurt.
But it all comes down to cowardice.

For that, I am a coward.
I am scared to say things directly because I don't want people to know what I feel.
or that I feel, period.

They might not feel the same way and where would I be left then?
Nowhere.
I'd rather them talk to me first, than me bringing the subject up.
Sure, eventually, we all have to put our cards out on the table.
Confess to everything before we burst of unsaid words.

But I am not ready for it yet.
So for now, I'll continue to pretend that my issue is the least bit of my worries
Continue to talk about you, us, to someone else

...Maybe that's what shrinks are for.
...Well, aside from getting drugs….

Thoughts on a Saburdi morning.

I never thought I'd miss anyone as much as this.
I never thought I'd be able to miss anyone at all.
It is so not me to be pining away for someone who's thousands of mile away.
Or is it?
People used to think of me as a rock with two eyes, a nose, and a mouth which just happens to have two breasts too.
Heck, frankly, that's what I used to be.
But people change, feelings grow, people grow up
And the rock becomes pulp.

It's weird.
Feelings are supposed to go away after a long time
But this seems to get stronger every single day.
I know it sounds so cliché-ish and cheezy and cheap
(Yes, just like those sayings you find on cheap Korean stationnery)
But that's exactly what I feel right now.
Scary actually.

What's even scarier is that I want the entire world to know it.
This is self-destruction at it's best.
Admiting to love.

By doing this, I am opening myself up to the unknown.
Literally saying, "Here's my heart world, now point me to the wooden stake so I can throw myself at it."
I fall hard, I bleed hard.
But in the end, I know I'd be glad I did it.
Or would I?

Yehey for Friday!

YES!!! It's finally the much awaited weekend. I'm literally jumping up and down waving my hands and clapping in joy.

After a grueling week at work, I need my damn rest.

Although the headset has been replaced by earphones and I'm still going to spend the entire weekend in front of the computer.

But now it's for a totally different reason and that makes all the difference in the world.

I'm gonna drown myself in nonsense movies and endless hours of sleep.

My brain's starting to shut down little by little counting down the hours 'til I get the hell away from the confines of the office.

Bleh!

See you next week.